Fear. you only fail if you choose to

Ive been setting a lot of goals lately which has played a big part in me not posting for a while. Ive had plenty of time to think about things since ive been home. most of my days consist of scripture study, job applications and a figuring out what I'm going to cook for lunch or dinner. I know pretty eventful. But in this time ive come to realize a lot actually. One - that confidence comes from knowing your true relationship with God, two that harmony can exist in a home when all share equal tasks and try to serve eachother. A truth confirmed from experiences on my mission. Three that having your health back requires a lot of patience and effort on your part of that deal, remembering not to be bothered by things and taking the time you need when you actually physically cant do it right then. Its exhausting both emotionally and physically. Another thing ive learned or rather have been reminded of is the constant requirement of being nourished everyday in all the aspects. And finding balance in that isn't easy. Setting goals to keep and or acquire that balance is the only easy part. The hard part. Well.. doing what we've planned in order to reach our goals. No matter how small its broken down to- tends to be difficult. I think its partially because of the new found confidence starts to become normal again and we're brought to a stage when we need to step it up again to a plan where we know we can reach those goals and expectations for ourselves. Having that faith In yourself is hard when things are trying to distract you from the knowledge of trust and faith that the Lord has in you..but doing the best you can do is al l that you can do. having that hope is what will help in the journey as that faith is built up again in this new again 'normal' lifestyle. Until that faith is strong enough the only thing that is going to nurture that faith and all the aspects of a person that creates balance comes through overcoming the obstacles. Overcoming that thing that stands in the way. That fear. If you think about it out of everything that you've. Every wanted to achieve but felt you couldn't what was it that was in the way? An insecurity? A weakness? An excuse? ... I think the thing we fear the most and I think the thing I fear the most is myself. To let myself down by letting othees down, or by simply nit living to some of the expectations ive planned for myself... what I would be or feel like if I'd fail. Or even who I'd Be, in accordance with certain steps of acton. Do I assign the right motives to myself is it the motives my father in Heaven would give me if he had set that goal? ..I think fear is what makes accomplishing anything seem so difficult and or burdensome. I feel that so many times everyone is just so incredibly hard on themselves. They cant even get a break from the constant negativity found in every minor setback. Or weakness the constant self criticism. In evenry decision even if it was a good one. When do people start listening to the good in themselves? The true motives they have by them in actually setting.those goals?. That voice which should speak louder than the rest that it can be done and there is not any need to give volume to those other noises. Because all they are are set backs. Fears. One behind us ...I guess that's another scary part. What is there once the fear is gone what takes its place once its been pushed back?.. I guess that's all part of the adventure I think you could say.. but from experience I know that every fear worked through and wrestled with will always come with a wave of realization and gratitude. We're given all the tools we need to get through these times. Its up to us how we apply them. And use them and begin a workmanship carving our own lives and the meanings in it step by step. With every decision and conviction to pull through. Deciding to overcome this fear is s big step but all it actually takes is a positive outlook and action. Fear has a big role on our lives. Its played a big role in mine and its something I try to overcome..I think it. Is a plays a big part in magnifying problems.. if someone is insecure they tend to either close up entirely or lash out on order to make themselves feel better. Another thing is I feel many are afraid to start living because they want to know or see the end already. Just to make sure it would have been worth it. But truth is eveyday needs to be lived as if what were doing in the now is,will and has been worth it. Life needs to be lived in the worth it moments doing the things which are hard- the things were worried about that wont go according to planned- in. Place of the longing for times or feelings of the past. Our now is just as exciting as our last has ever been and our future holds great promise as these fears are recognized and faced head on! Great happiness and satisfaction is ahead as these things are developed. That trust in faith in ourselves, the knowledge of such trust and faith that our Father has for us, through using the tools given to us. Assuming the best of others and ourselves living less burdened lives by assigning good motives within our judgements even if we could be wrong. Spending the time doing he things we dread or procrastinate doing because we don't want it to be anything less than we hope for or because we may subconsciously feel it would lack a certain emotion or feeling we crave to have. Those feelings and maybe even new treasures are found within the things we put away out of excuse or insecurity or fear. Its just a matter of taking the effort to act and develop them but the promise is that there will always be something rewarding waiting. Now see I know all these things so am I actually going to do them?... welll.. why not? I have nothing to lose but so much I can gain so I guess this is where it starts.. :) wish me luck! :)

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Balance

This morning I woke up and realized--- I need to get a Job as soon as possible.
then the problem, where am I going to find one of those jobs?
now begins the search more than ever, so first thing i'm going to do is go down to the ...place..
i don't remember what it is called, and file for the unemployment thing until I have found one, it shouldn't take to long. but it'll work :)
I would love to find one close by, that would be great.
but we'll see what I come up with, I'll start looking after my appointment with the Dr. on thursday,
      
until then i'm organizing my things and trying to not spread all my stuff throughout the house.
there's going to be some changes, i'm not gonna say what just yet but it's gonna be way better,

this morning pop came in and opened the blinds ... i was still sleeping.... he said it's good for me.. i think i disagree, then he pointed out the fact that from one end of the living room to the other my stuff had been spread.. i didn't notice until he said it, but it's actually true... my stuff is everywhere.
it's not healthy. even the no bake cookies i tried to make last night were still on the counter and all the stuff in the sink. (also they didn't work.. we have no bake poridge.) so I guess the change will be good.

I'm excited for the new changes that's gonna be happenening, of which i'll tell you probably in the next few entrys, but it'll be great :)

Madeleine and I are also going to create a personal health program that we're both going to follow and work on together,

I noticed now that i'm off my mission I need Balance in all things or I can't function. so we've decided to try and build up more balance in the house, starting with ourselves and maybe the influence might be good on everyone else.. dunno we'll see.
we made a blog for it :) it doesn't have anything else on it i'll post it once we get it up working.

being home is a great feeling but at the same time i'm eager to get moving again.
I wrote my companions in the Mission field an e-mail last week i'll include a little bit of it in here it was after my first activity in church since I got back:

'well i went to institute yesterday.. hardly anyone was there... it was not really my thing this time... it was good, i just felt super alone. when you get released, don't fear it, you will be okay like it's hard but you will actually not die. you'll be just fine but the biggest thing is no matter what KEEP THE CONSISTANCY. like ALWAYS pray, always read your scriptures. stick to your schedule becasue satan works his butt off to bring you down, and you feel like you can relax when your home, nope its a lot more effort to apply these things on your own like with your new schedule called ''life'' but it will be okay i will be here for you guys when you get home, just make sure you have a plan ready for when you come home of what your going to do and how your going to do it.

and also when you give your homecoming talk. .( well at least this is how it was for me). I lost ALL speaking and teaching skills. it actually proves to me how much this work was not done by me but actually by the Lord. because I was lost for words. something that never happened on the mission.

but on the upside, seeing your family again is awesome!! seriously being back is good, sleeping in is AWESOME even though i haven't been able to do much of that yet. actually.. at all. but i can imagine it would be awesome ...
and being able to help out at home without feeling like it's chores that need to be done fills that gap of wanting to serve.there is no other service than in the service of the Lord within the Family'

that's kind of how it's going,
it's good but hard work :)
well it's time to go get ready for the day- do laundry- organize my 'bedroom' so it can look like a living room again, and continue personal study. :)

have a great day!

Day 1!!

I'm back from my mission,
     Serving has been one of the best opportunities i've ever been able to take in my life, i'm so grateful I did!
It feels like there is a big chunk of my life which I'd love to put into words but it's not actually possible to do. so for those who want to know how my mission has helped me, changed my life, and my whole perspective of why i'm here, you'll have to place your self in the same or a similar situation, it's more something that has to be felt and experienced to be able to comprehend.
it was just amazing.. absolutely one of the hardest thing's i've ever done, but completely worth it!

And now that i'm back home i'm glad I can help out.
:) and I think i get the best room in the house :)

it's busy being back home, but I like it, it keeps my mind going and my life active, i think if it were the opposite, i wouldn't be able to continue to progress, at least here at home for the time being there is enough things i can do to serve.

BUT, I want to visit my family as soon as I can, which means finding a job to get an income stated again.
I need to see what's going on with my health first, but other than that, i'm already applying for jobs :)
we'll see how it goes, as long as i have something set, or a plan by Christmas :)
also..this song i'm listening to that sister K showed me is pretty amazing. just sayin.. forgot how good music is! .. if anyone knows good clean songs that i've missed i'd love to have them just leave a list or a song title on the comments :)